The Christmas break is nearing its end, and nothing eventful happened, that is, until yesterday. I've mentioned in the past that I struggle to make friends, but I also struggle to maintain them too. I don't think it is as attributable to autism as struggling to make them, rather to personality flaws I currently have. I only have friends online at the moment.
One of which was in a staff position on a website I frequent. As we gained each other's trust, he started to send information which only staff were meant to be privy to. As someone who very much loves internet drama and loves sharing said drama with others to create interesting predicaments out of them, I distributed the information (which was regarding a promotion to staff) to the person it pertained to. Ironically, the day their nomination was about to be approved, they stepped down from their rank that was just below staff rank. At the time, I thought it would be funny to send it to them, to show them what could have been, perhaps even to incentivize them to return. However, when I did so, it backfired massively, and the staff member, a (now former) friend of mine, was demoted from all his positions on the site. He had worked for around 3 years for those positions, and for my love of internet drama, I threw it all away. He is no longer in contact with me and is now looking to move on from the site which he invested so much of his time into. Arguably it is his fault that he was demoted, for leaking is a betrayal of trust. What was unique about the situation here was that this betrayal of trust was perpetuated. He betrayed the trust of the other staff members, I betrayed his trust, and the person who I sent this to betrayed my trust (by reporting it), and that led to the demotion. Despite this entire situation not being wholly attributable to me, I definitely have shown myself to be a rather bad friend. The willingness I had to invalidate the long-term hard work of a friend just for the sake of what was essentially laughs is definitely concerning. I suppose I am still not ready as a person to form bonds in this way because I do not value them as much as I should. This narrative is not really cohesive, but I hope it illustrates the point I am trying to make about what I should be developing. I just felt as though I had to write about this, and it has been rather cathartic to do so.
On a brighter note, I've been bringing back my interest in anime. Currently i've been loving watching Kusuriya no Hitorigoto as well as Sousou no Frieren, both of which i've been enjoying immensely. Probably looking to pick up some more shows this Winter 2024 season.
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